(Ashton comes home after a long day of work, ie 3 am, I’m smoking on the porch.  He lets me tape our conversation)

Maya:  So what did you do today…

Ashton:  I had a meeting with Apple, the stylist from Black Eyed Peas, had a meeting with Shoshanna Bean from Wicked…

Maya:  You do cool shit.

Ashton: I don’t know what’s cool…I mean, that’s work for me.  I shipped out orders for an online store.  Designed a new capelet for my collection…

Maya: And what about that reality show, did you win it or not?

(DELETED FOR LEGAL PURPOSES, I DON’T WANNA GET SUED)

(Elvis the cat walks by)

Maya:  I’m gonna do a whole section of my website for the cats…Oreo’s totally gonna have his own show…what is the deal with Oreo?  It’s gonna be about cats of the complex.

Ashton:  All three hundred of them?

Maya:  Like that cat that appears sometimes…and I don’t know who it is…

Ashton:  Oreo is a filthy fucking feline.  It shits in my room. (Note:  Elvis belongs to Jame’s roommate Ray, a dancer)

Maya:  Its an outdoor cat.

Ashton: That’s why I get so angry…I say, if it shits in my room one more time, I’m gonna kill it.

Maya:  It has so much attitude too.

Ashton:  Ray plays with it’s balls.

Me:  NO!  No wonder it’s so fucked up.

Ashton:  It’s a little traumatized…

Me:  It’s an abused cat.

Ray plays vollyball in the parking lot- he doesn't LOOK like a sexual predator

Ashton:  It’s a sexually abused cat….it likes it.  It’s toes get all curled up.

Me:  Oreo is sexually abused…(pointing to Elvis, who is staring at us with intensity)…but that cat needs to be put down.  That cat needs to be put outta it’s misery.  It got hit by a car.

Ashton:  No it didn’t!

Me:  Yes, he’s like, it’s not its fault…it got hit by a car in the face, that’s why its face is all smashed up.

Ashton:  Awesome!

Me:  That cat is creepy. I’ll hear a meow, and look out, and it will just be standing there staring at my door…

Ashton:  That why it’s face has tire tracks, and it’s lip is all pushed up, and it’s like (makes funny face) hi guys!

Me:  It’s sad.

(note:  Elvis also sneezes.  For hours.  He gets snot all over his face.  I feel bad for him.)

Ashton:  Aw shit, now I feel more sympathetic.

Me:  You feel bad, right?

Ashton:  I feel bad for anyone that lives there (referring to the condo inhabited by Elvis’s owners) I mean, that whole house…I’m like, when did I move into TJ Maxx?

Me:  I should take a picture of it everyday.  As it changes.

Ashton: Progression.

Me:  Like, I’ll throw shit away, and the next day the shit’ll be out there…it’s like modern art.

Ashton:  Great.  I love that I get shit for being…whatever.  Homosexual.  And (LANDLORD) hates me.  And they got a whole family living in there, with, like, a yard sale everyday.  I’m just glad (LANDLORD) hasn’t been around for seven months.

Me:  He’s alive, though….

Ashton:  He’s hiding.  People are just looking for him to sue him.

Me:  You think?  That mean I don’t have to pay rent?

Ashton:  Like the girls who used to live here, they’re suing him…he’s in hiding…

Me:  I want to know about the  drug place…

(Note:  Since this interview, the drug establishment across the street was busted.  Big scene, but I missed it ’cause I was at Starfucks)

Ashton:  You have no idea the shit that goes on on this block…I could tell you stories…no one’s gonna do shit, unless someone dies…I mean, that’s every block around here…and that one store (a store near our house  - name deleted for legal purposes)….

Me:  They sell, like, three kinds of cigarettes.  And, like, rims.  A mini iron. (I actually contemplated purchasing this)

Ashton:  Just like shit from the house they bring in.  You want an iron?  You want a matchbook to go with it?  I mean, who are they fooling?

Me:  I was fooled.

Ashton:  I was like “really?”  It’s three in the morning and your still selling cigarettes?

Me:  I love it.

Ashton:  Get the fuck out of here.  You know Ray almost got stabbed three months ago…

Me:  Here?

Ashton:  HERE.  In front of the house.  Someone chased him with a knife…I swear to god.  I was so mad at him.

Me:  Did you know the guy?

Ashton:  NO!  Actually, the night of Jame’s makeup show….I was like, where the fuck are you?  I was so mad at him…I was like, your supposed to be here hours ago and he wasn’t answering his phone, and I was like, what a dick…and then he gets there, like, wicked late…and he’s like, someone tried to stab me on the block! And I’m like, what? And I started to laugh, and then I’m like, really? And he’s like, someone walked up to me with a knife and tried to stab me and I had to run and they chased me to the car.

Me:  Are you kidding?  That scares the shit out of me….like, I feel like were protected ‘cause we got that fucking gate…

Ashton:  Are you kidding?  I jump that gate everyday…I jump that gate literally, I mean, I was gonna jump it right now till I saw you…or you just walk by that wall…see how its half iron/half cement…you just step onto it and jump over…so easy.  I do it everyday.

Me:  That scares the shit out of me.

Ashton:  There’s no protection here.

Me:  Will you take some pictures of me on my pole?

Ashton:  I’ll take pictures of you riding the pole. (laughter)

Me:  Will you?  Like upside down and everything.  ‘Cause I tried to get Nathan to do it and he can’t capture the moment…

Ashton:  I know how to capture the moment.

Me:  Cause I’m coming outta the closet about my pole dancing on my website.

(Sorry, Mari Mari, just not ready to post the pictures quite yet)

The guy next door, Ashton, says  I live in a lucky apartment.  The people who live there go on to have success (Kyle XY, anyone?).  I hope he is right.  Ashton is already successful.  He is a well-known fashion designer.  This is him:

He likes to look mean in pictures, but here’s the truth…he is incredibly sweet. I’ve tried to shoot him laughing, but he’s way faster than me.  When he laughs he looks like the adorable, mischievous ten year-old boy.  But he doesn’t want you to see that.  So here is the closest I could get:

Ashton ALMOST smiling

Ashton is part-owner of a fashion design company in Hollywood called House of Infinite Radness.  The clothes he designs are gorgeous. They are also funny.  I love clothes that have a sense of humor.  Like this necklace, which one of his:

He showed me this months ago, and I’d never seen anything like it…since then, I’ve begun to see stuff like it everywhere (not as well made or beautiful, though).  He’s really good, designing stuff before it becomes mainstream.  And he and James both have this lock tattooed on them, which proves Ashton came up with it first.… Ashton will be on a fashion reality show this fall, but I can’t say anymore about that because he is under contract and it is all very secretive.   He’s actually way too cool to be on a reality show (unlike others I know, ie me. See I Wanna Be On TV), and I’d been bullying him to audition for them, which he wouldn’t…then, of course, this one recruited him, and he finally said yes.  But I better shut the hell up so he doesn’t get sued.  So, for now, no more about Ashton.

This is Ashton’s boyfriend James:

took this in NY when i was visiting

He also looks mean in pictures.  Actually, he hates pictures, and will be super pissed when he finds out I put one on my website.

James is a genius makeup artist. He designs makeup for politicians, celebrities, Broadway shows, fashion shoots.  I have never really known a makeup artist before James.  I admit, before I met him, I figured most makeup artists would be vapid and narcissistic.  And, just like any field (writing and teaching included), I’m sure some of them are…but  James is absolutely brilliant.

In college, James studied theatre history and psychology.  And he brings that to his art.  God, he’d hate me using the word art.  But it is.

Not only does he know how to make a woman beautiful with makeup…but he knows what makeup represent on an emotional, psychological, historical and societal level.  When I got assigned to teach Women and Film, a class I was completely unprepared to instruct, he gave me a crash course in the representation of women on the screen, citing specific lines and scenes from the most obscure of films, and explaining how they relate to the politics of the decade.

James has great insight into beauty and how/why it changes decade by decade.  Beauty in other cultures.  Cross-cultural beauty.

Oh, yeah, and he has an amazing heart.

As a  gift, he designed my makeup and gave me hundreds of dollars worth of products for free.  He fit me in between breaks at a shoot he was working.  He zipped between creating my Victorian-style makeup scheme and then rushing into the next room where the had to touch up this hot model boy dressed as a sexy Tin-Soldier.  I wasn’t supposed to take any pictures, but I couldn’t help it.

right after this James shoots me a glare and i put away the camera

Later, I found out the model guy is also a gay porn star.  Which explains why he felt comfortable walking around in a g-string between takes.I tried not to look at his crotch.  I swear I did.  We had a whole conversation, and I made a huge effort to stare at his face.

But back to James. And I’m really hard on myself, especially in the looks department (see prom picture).  But I felt pretty that day.  He really got my wedding “concept”, but designed the makeup so I looked like me.  Thank you, James.

And now my two cents (if your still reading, your used to this by now):  anyone who dismisses the history of fashion and makeup as silly and important is highly misinformed.  The female form in fashion…something as simple as the changing shape of the eyebrow…tells us a great deal about our culture and ourselves.  Not that I can even pluck my own eyebrows without fucking it up, but I appreciate what eyebrows represent.

This is Jame’s magazine.  Even if you hate makeup, you might like it.  It is about so much more that makeup:

Jame’s Website

And those are The Boys Next Door.  And they are adorable, sweet, gifted and hot…sorry, ladies.  Unless you want a makeover, you ain’t gettin’ anywhere with these two, ’cause they are in love.

Janelle is my teacher at the S Factor.  She is beautiful inside and out.  She makes every woman she teaches, no matter their background or fears, feel strong and empowered…when she enters a room, you have to look…she has incredible charisma.  She’s also a complete badass.  When I see her dance, I’m always inspired by her freedom and power.  She makes every person she meets feel important, special and adored.

I mean, honestly, Janelle just glows.

She’s also an actress, and I forced her to give me actress photos for this website (I wanted a video too…but I figured I wouldn’t push it – where’s my video, Janelle?).  Like so many of my talented friends, she is not much of a self-promoter…so I’m gonna do it for her (whether she likes it or not – ha ha, I’m fucking powerful here in my little blog world).  As much as I want her to be my teacher forever, I also know she is destined to bring her luminosity (and wisdom) to a much larger audience.  So bigtime casting director, get off yer ass right now before someone else discovers her…and I’m not even asking for a kickback or anything, just a seat in the audience when she gets her Academy Award. PS  She is SAG.

The Sierra Nevada stretches 350 miles through California and hosts a rich diversity of species (according to a postcard I bought)….and I’ve never seen anything so gorgeous in my life.  I mean, I’m from Oklahoma, the flattest state in America…I’ve PASSED mountains on the highway and seen them in movies… but never actually been inside them.  (I don’t think the Oklahoma Quartz Mountains count…those are more like hills)

The first day we went sightseeing…I hung out inside this Sequoia. I felt like the Lorax.

The hollow inside comes from lightening striking the tree.  Yogi, who I met later, likes to sleep in them.  He calls them vaginas.  They also remind me of childhood – hidden forts, tents, secret meeting places.

The General Sherman tree is enormous.  People gather around it silently, like they are in a museum…you are so overcome by immensity, this raw power of nature, that something can grow this big and ginormous…like something from a movie set, only better, ’cause there is no CGI or set designers…this shit is real.

This deer was just hanging around.

The next day we started the hike at 7 a.m.  I was half-awake, which is why I didn’t freak out when we almost immediately saw bears.

One was scraping the bark for insects…Katie let me get a few pics then barked them off.

11 1/2 miles is a long way to hike.  But you forget to be tired, because every corner you turn takes your breath away.  Like postcards come to life. Between the altitude and the scenery, you feel like you are on drugs…only better.  I kept thinking of Ewoks and the Hobbit and Little Red Riding Hood…

Three times a week these donkeys bring supplies to Bear Paw.  Katie told the guy leading the train “Thanks for our dinner!”:

We took a nap by a stream.  I had no idea I could fall asleep on a rock…but it was the best nap EVER, with he stream rippling by me, the sun on my face.  These flat rocks are the best spots to camp, they stay cool in the heat.

The last two miles are the hardest.  Katie made me stop ever couple of hundred feet and hang in the shade.  It was all uphill, and I thought I was gonna die.  But then we turned a corner and there was Bear Paw waiting for us, like Mecca:

The first thing you do is drink lemonade and eat a brownie.  Best. Brownies.  Ever.  And sit on the porch.  And this is the view.

Then I slept, and Katie woke me up for dinner.   This is the dinner bell:

The food is incredible.  Maybe it is the altitude that does it, but it is like tasting bread for the first time.  And we did shots of tequila.  And I almost passed out at the table.  I went back to our tent and fell asleep for 12 hours.  The best sleep of my life.  And I woke up to this:

Katie (such a badass) had gone on a 13 mile hike in the backcountry.  So I hung out with Yogi Bair.  Yeah, that is his name. He’s amazing.  He wrote a book about living in the backcountry (tell you more about that later).  He’s been there since the 80′s.  The longest he’s gone by himself in the wilderness is 21 days.  I want to write an article about him…he’s kind and thoughtful and hilarious…but also tough as shit.  And he loves to read.  We sat there and drank beer and read.

NO CELL PHONES.  NO EMAIL.  NO ELECTRICTY.  Just you and the backcountry.  I felt both elated and calmed.  I wanted to stay forever.

Even though my legs hurt, I went on a hike by myself.  Everything I saw made me gasp.  And Yogi says that is nothing compared to what else is out there, beyond, in the depths of the backcountry.  Places you can only go on foot.  I want to see it all.

I took self-portraits:

Dinner that night, so great.  We sat around on the back porch and talked.  You stop caring about how you look or smell.  Everything exists in that moment.  I suddenly understand that cliched saying, and it doesn’t seem so cliche:  God’s country.

But eventually we had to leave.  I was sad.

The hike there took 7 hours, but the hike back only took four and a half.  I cried when we left.  I cried a lot, actually.  It puts things in perspective, seeing the world this way.  Makes all those things I worry about on a daily basis seem insignificant and meaningless.  I want to go back.  Soon.  I want to see more.

Incredible.  Surreal.  Oh yeah, and I can’t walk up the stairs…but it is worth it.  SO WORTH IT.

Thank you, Katie, for showing me this world.  I can’t believe what I was missing.PS and I did something else I never imagined myself capable of doing…I pooped in the woods.  Actually, it was kinda liberating.  I might become a granola girl…no makeup, the whole deal…except  I’ll still shave my legs.  No need to go crazy here.

I always read.  Voraciously. Out of all those hundreds and hundreds of book (probably more – and, by the way, I read everything from the classics to young adult and sci-fi, I ain’t no literary snot)…out of all thosethere are countless ones I don’t remember reading…and there are a very select few I’ll never forget.  One of them was Chemical Pink.  I distinctly remember the moment I finished it.  I closed it and thought “If stuff like this is being written, I want to be a writer.”  It was so gutsy and enthralling.  My biggest complaint about literary writing is that sometimes it is so boring.  I’m like, wow, nice structure, well-developed plot and characters…and I don’t feel a damn thing.  I’m bored outta my mind.  But this book…well, you just gotta see for yourself.  Fearless.

Turns out, the lady who wrote it is the same way.

Years later, when I met my agent, he asked if I’d read Chemical Pink.  I told him I loved it.  Then he said his client Katie was the writer…and since I was moving to LA, would I like to meet her?

I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

Maybe it was karma.

I met Katie last August.  We’d go walking on the beach.  I’d moan and bitch about the two miles and how much I hated to exercise. Now, a year later,  I just got back from a 23 mile hike through the Sierra Mountains with her. I’m so sore my husband had to carry me upstairs yesterday.  It was worth it.

It was, without a doubt, one of the best experiences of my life.  Not just because I did something I never imagined myself capable of doing, but because I was with someone I adore and love – someone as weird and fucked-up as me – and someone I feel so lucky to have in my life.  I don’t think you need a billion friends, just a few who really get you, who embrace you despite all your faults and idiosyncrasies…and Katie is that to me.

Katie brings out the best in people.  If you told me last August I’d actually hike, or take a shit in the woods, or sleep on a rock by a waterfall, or publish a novel for that matter…I’d have laughed at you.  But Katie believed I could… and made me believe too.  She also believed in my book.  She said it would be published.  She said, even before it got published, that I was a already a writer and should call myself one.  And I did, even though I didn’t believe her.

Now I believe her.

I am a writer.  I am a writer who can hike into the mountains and quit smoking and go upside down on a pole and put all my weird disturbing innermost thoughts on display in a blog for the world to see and judge.

Not that it doesn’t scare me, all this stuff.  I still get scared.  But I don’t let it stop me from trying…and that is because I have such an amazing friend by my side, believing in me even when I don’t quite believe in myself…thank you, Katie.  I love you.

PS HER NEW BOOK, POINT DUME, COMES OUT IN MAY.  YOU MUST READ IT.  LOOK AT HER AMAZING WEBSITE www.katiearnoldi.com.  SHE IS SO HARDCORE KICKASS TALENTED AND COOL.