I guess this was his day off:

Maya:  So what did you do today…

Ashton:  I had a meeting with Apple, the stylist from Black Eyed Peas, had a meeting with Shoshanna Bean from Wicked…

Maya:  You do cool shit.

Ashton: I don’t know what’s cool…I mean, that’s work for me.  I shipped out orders for an online store.  Designed a new capelet for my collection…

Maya: And what about that reality show, did you win it or not?

(DELETED FOR LEGAL PURPOSES, I DON’T WANNA GET SUED)

(Elvis the cat walks by)

Maya:  I’m gonna do a whole section of my website for the cats…Oreo’s totally gonna have his own show…what is the deal with Oreo?  It’s gonna be about cats of the complex.

Ashton:  All three hundred of them?

Maya:  Like that cat that appears sometimes…and I don’t know who it is…

Ashton:  Oreo is a filthy fucking feline.  It shits in my room. (Note:  Elvis belongs to Jame’s roommate Ray, a dancer)

Maya:  Its an outdoor cat.

Ashton: That’s why I get so angry…I say, if it shits in my room one more time, I’m gonna kill it.

Maya:  It has so much attitude too.

Ashton:  Ray plays with it’s balls.

Me:  NO!  No wonder it’s so fucked up.

Ashton:  It’s a little traumatized…

Me:  It’s an abused cat.

Ray plays vollyball in the parking lot- he doesn't LOOK like a sexual predator

Ashton:  It’s a sexually abused cat….it likes it.  It’s toes get all curled up.

Me:  Oreo is sexually abused…(pointing to Elvis, who is staring at us with intensity)…but that cat needs to be put down.  That cat needs to be put outta it’s misery.  It got hit by a car.

Ashton:  No it didn’t!

Me:  Yes, he’s like, it’s not its fault…it got hit by a car in the face, that’s why its face is all smashed up.

Ashton:  Awesome!

Me:  That cat is creepy. I’ll hear a meow, and look out, and it will just be standing there staring at my door…

Ashton:  That why it’s face has tire tracks, and it’s lip is all pushed up, and it’s like (makes funny face) hi guys!

Me:  It’s sad.

(note:  Elvis also sneezes.  For hours.  He gets snot all over his face.  I feel bad for him.)

Ashton:  Aw shit, now I feel more sympathetic.

Me:  You feel bad, right?

Ashton:  I feel bad for anyone that lives there (referring to the condo inhabited by Elvis’s owners) I mean, that whole house…I’m like, when did I move into TJ Maxx?

Me:  I should take a picture of it everyday.  As it changes.

Ashton: Progression.

Me:  Like, I’ll throw shit away, and the next day the shit’ll be out there…it’s like modern art.

Ashton:  Great.  I love that I get shit for being…whatever.  Homosexual.  And (LANDLORD) hates me.  And they got a whole family living in there, with, like, a yard sale everyday.  I’m just glad (LANDLORD) hasn’t been around for seven months.

Me:  He’s alive, though….

Ashton:  He’s hiding.  People are just looking for him to sue him.

Me:  You think?  That mean I don’t have to pay rent?

Ashton:  Like the girls who used to live here, they’re suing him…he’s in hiding…

Me:  I want to know about the  drug place…

(Note:  Since this interview, the drug establishment across the street was busted.  Big scene, but I missed it ’cause I was at Starfucks)

Ashton:  You have no idea the shit that goes on on this block…I could tell you stories…no one’s gonna do shit, unless someone dies…I mean, that’s every block around here…and that one store (a store near our house  - name deleted for legal purposes)….

Me:  They sell, like, three kinds of cigarettes.  And, like, rims.  A mini iron. (I actually contemplated purchasing this)

Ashton:  Just like shit from the house they bring in.  You want an iron?  You want a matchbook to go with it?  I mean, who are they fooling?

Me:  I was fooled.

Ashton:  I was like “really?”  It’s three in the morning and your still selling cigarettes?

Me:  I love it.

Ashton:  Get the fuck out of here.  You know Ray almost got stabbed three months ago…

Me:  Here?

Ashton:  HERE.  In front of the house.  Someone chased him with a knife…I swear to god.  I was so mad at him.

Me:  Did you know the guy?

Ashton:  NO!  Actually, the night of Jame’s makeup show….I was like, where the fuck are you?  I was so mad at him…I was like, your supposed to be here hours ago and he wasn’t answering his phone, and I was like, what a dick…and then he gets there, like, wicked late…and he’s like, someone tried to stab me on the block! And I’m like, what? And I started to laugh, and then I’m like, really? And he’s like, someone walked up to me with a knife and tried to stab me and I had to run and they chased me to the car.

Me:  Are you kidding?  That scares the shit out of me….like, I feel like were protected ‘cause we got that fucking gate…

Ashton:  Are you kidding?  I jump that gate everyday…I jump that gate literally, I mean, I was gonna jump it right now till I saw you…or you just walk by that wall…see how its half iron/half cement…you just step onto it and jump over…so easy.  I do it everyday.

Me:  That scares the shit out of me.

Ashton:  There’s no protection here.

Me:  Will you take some pictures of me on my pole?

Ashton:  I’ll take pictures of you riding the pole. (laughter)

Me:  Will you?  Like upside down and everything.  ‘Cause I tried to get Nathan to do it and he can’t capture the moment…

Ashton:  I know how to capture the moment.

Me:  Cause I’m coming outta the closet about my pole dancing on my website.

(Sorry, Mari Mari, just not ready to post the pictures quite yet)

The guy next door, Ashton, says  I live in a lucky apartment.  The people who live there go on to have success (Kyle XY, anyone?).  I hope he is right.  Ashton is already successful.  He is a well-known fashion designer.  This is him:

He likes to look mean in pictures, but here’s the truth…he is incredibly sweet. I’ve tried to shoot him laughing, but he’s way faster than me.  When he laughs he looks like the adorable, mischievous ten year-old boy.  But he doesn’t want you to see that.  So here is the closest I could get:

Ashton ALMOST smiling

Ashton is part-owner of a fashion design company in Hollywood called House of Infinite Radness.  The clothes he designs are gorgeous. They are also funny.  I love clothes that have a sense of humor.  Like this necklace, which one of his:

He showed me this months ago, and I’d never seen anything like it…since then, I’ve begun to see stuff like it everywhere (not as well made or beautiful, though).  He’s really good, designing stuff before it becomes mainstream.  And he and James both have this lock tattooed on them, which proves Ashton came up with it first.… Ashton will be on a fashion reality show this fall, but I can’t say anymore about that because he is under contract and it is all very secretive.   He’s actually way too cool to be on a reality show (unlike others I know, ie me. See I Wanna Be On TV), and I’d been bullying him to audition for them, which he wouldn’t…then, of course, this one recruited him, and he finally said yes.  But I better shut the hell up so he doesn’t get sued.  So, for now, no more about Ashton.

This is Ashton’s boyfriend James:

took this in NY when i was visiting

He also looks mean in pictures.  Actually, he hates pictures, and will be super pissed when he finds out I put one on my website.

James is a genius makeup artist. He designs makeup for politicians, celebrities, Broadway shows, fashion shoots.  I have never really known a makeup artist before James.  I admit, before I met him, I figured most makeup artists would be vapid and narcissistic.  And, just like any field (writing and teaching included), I’m sure some of them are…but  James is absolutely brilliant.

In college, James studied theatre history and psychology.  And he brings that to his art.  God, he’d hate me using the word art.  But it is.

Not only does he know how to make a woman beautiful with makeup…but he knows what makeup represent on an emotional, psychological, historical and societal level.  When I got assigned to teach Women and Film, a class I was completely unprepared to instruct, he gave me a crash course in the representation of women on the screen, citing specific lines and scenes from the most obscure of films, and explaining how they relate to the politics of the decade.

James has great insight into beauty and how/why it changes decade by decade.  Beauty in other cultures.  Cross-cultural beauty.

Oh, yeah, and he has an amazing heart.

As a  gift, he designed my makeup and gave me hundreds of dollars worth of products for free.  He fit me in between breaks at a shoot he was working.  He zipped between creating my Victorian-style makeup scheme and then rushing into the next room where the had to touch up this hot model boy dressed as a sexy Tin-Soldier.  I wasn’t supposed to take any pictures, but I couldn’t help it.

right after this James shoots me a glare and i put away the camera

Later, I found out the model guy is also a gay porn star.  Which explains why he felt comfortable walking around in a g-string between takes.I tried not to look at his crotch.  I swear I did.  We had a whole conversation, and I made a huge effort to stare at his face.

But back to James. And I’m really hard on myself, especially in the looks department (see prom picture).  But I felt pretty that day.  He really got my wedding “concept”, but designed the makeup so I looked like me.  Thank you, James.

And now my two cents (if your still reading, your used to this by now):  anyone who dismisses the history of fashion and makeup as silly and important is highly misinformed.  The female form in fashion…something as simple as the changing shape of the eyebrow…tells us a great deal about our culture and ourselves.  Not that I can even pluck my own eyebrows without fucking it up, but I appreciate what eyebrows represent.

This is Jame’s magazine.  Even if you hate makeup, you might like it.  It is about so much more that makeup:

Jame’s Website

And those are The Boys Next Door.  And they are adorable, sweet, gifted and hot…sorry, ladies.  Unless you want a makeover, you ain’t gettin’ anywhere with these two, ’cause they are in love.

I’m so sad.  Financial shit all around.  Caroline left.  She and Jen moved to an apartment off Wilshire.  Chris moved to a house nearby.  But I’m just glad they are still in Hollyhood…and don’t worry, there will still be updates.  They will always be The Girls Next Door…no matter where they live!

But I am very, very sad.  They always made me laugh and made my days better.

An Ode To The Girls Next Door:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Today they moved out.  They left me this:

Hey, LANDLORD:

Caroline: No.

Me: Don’t worry, girl, it’s gonna happen…

Caroline: I figure it is probably just a long audition process…I’ll definitely let you know if I hear anything.  I won’t start worrying unless I don’t hear by Thursday…it was a great audition.

Me: And they don’t have to say that.  They don’t have to kiss your ass…unless they think you are good or wannna fuck you.

Caroline: And I didn’t get a creepy vibe from him…

Me: Where’s Chris?

Caroline: He’s sick.  He’s got the flu.

Me: The swine flu?

Caroline: I don’t know.  Could be.

Me: The swine flu can be cured like any other flu.  That’s what I read. (note:  I am not a doctor.  And though I have subscription to Newsweek, I only read the comic and movie reviews.  I don’t know where I read this.  I might have heard it on NPR, actually.  And I probably got it all wrong.)

Caroline: Good.  I feed right into it, though…anything in the media.

Me: Anthrax.

Caroline: Oh, totally.  Living in Virginia when the sniper was shooting people…I’d get out of the car pumping gas and be like, oh, damn, don’t shoot me…it was so random.

Me: What are you guys doing tonight?

Caroline: Watching American Idol.

Me: I told you how we met those two American idols, right?  Nathan and I.

Caroline: NO!

Me: The night the book got picked up, we  went out drinking and stuff…to this Italian restaurant…and they put us in the corner.  And these two people across from us, people kept congratulating them and stuff…and I’m like, are you guys on TV or something, and they kind of blew me off…and I’m like “I sold a book!”   And they were like, “congratulations.”  And they were like, “we’re on American Idol”…she had just gotten cut…and he’s still on it.

Caroline: What did she look like?  Did she have long blond hair?

Me: Short blond hair.

Caroline: Oh!  It was Sarah..

Me: And he’s gay.  I know, ‘cause she was teasing him, and then they both kinda looked  at us, worried…like we shouldn’t know that.

Caroline: Adam?

Me:  No….a pretty boy.  He looked like every other pretty boy.

Caroline: Black hair?  Rocker?

Me: It wasn’t really rocker….(I see James and Ashton.  I haven’t seen James because he has been on exotic locations doing exotic things) Oh my god, James!  Yea!!!!!!!!!!  James!!!!!  How are you?  Hi!!!!  I’m tape recording for my website…I won’t put you on without your permission.  I’ll turn it off.  (turn of recorder)

A minute later, Ashton, Maya, James, Caroline….I turn back on recorder.  There is much noise from the condo across from us.

Me:  Hey, do you hear people having sex?

We all listen.

Me: Wow.  Whoa.  Damn.  Yeah, those apartments are really worth seven hundred thousand…cause they got great installaton….OH MY GOD.

*  More on the bitter feud we have with the Condo next door later….

Me: So tell me about your audition…

Caroline: It was amazing…its for this tv pilot about the modeling world and…he wants me to read for the lead character Roxy, she’s one of the agents, and she’s like balls-to-the-wall devil bitch and we don’t know why till we find out she was raped, so it’s a really meaty role…the writer is really the producer, so he sat me down…I got it on craigslist.

Me: What makes this audition good?

Caroline: Okay, well, number one:  it’s really rare to go in and meeet with the producer, you usually meet with the casting director, so that right there puts it above normal auditions…

Me: Is this, like, really uncomfortable? (my filming)

Caroline: No, are you kidding me?  I’m like, uh, PLEASE take my picture?  And he also wrote it, and we sat down…and he told me about the script and everything…and then he said, well, let me tell you, as soon as I met you I thought you were a really nice person..but as we started talking I could also tell there is some trauma in your soul, and, uh, you have a lot of depth, which is why I’d like to consider you for all three roles…and I’m really, REALLY….he wanted to cast me right then and there..

Me: Will it make you SAG?  Will it pay?

Caroline: Yes.

Me: Okay, hold on, I’m going to think good thoughts right now.  I think there is magic happening with people right now…Do you have a lighter?

Caroline: Sure, right here. I mean, I was literally, oh, god, I’ll go on the audition ‘cause I know it will make me feel good…and it was the best audition I ever had…it was fabulous.  The producer said, your great.  Usually your…I’m mean, he actually saw me.  Like I was a person.  Usually they don’t take the time to actually SEE you.

Me: You know whats funny?  I see you all the time…but seeing you like this…this is the first time I really see the “actress”…I always knew it was there…but seeing you all dressed up, y’know, and in excited mode.

Caroline: It was such a freaking….a REAL audition.  A big real audition.  I didn’t read anything.  He just wanted to get a feel for me as a person.  Which is what I want.  Which is what I’m selling.  Now I just gotta do a really good reading…it’s honestly just so refreshing, to have someone be, your great…instead of your terrible, or your not right…to just be reminded…it made me feeel like…wow…I have to stick with this.

Today I met this kid digging in our dumpster.  He was amazingly quick and dexterous.  He let me interview him as he worked.  A couple of timew I gasped thinking he might fall, but part of me knew he wouldn’t.  This kid is scrappy.  He knew exactly what he was doing

I think he’s cute, too.  If I was sixteen, I would totally have the hots for him ’cause he is completely inappropriate for a relationship and it would piss my parents off…at sixteen, those were my two things I looked for in possible boyfriends. (whatever happened to D—–who worked at the gas station?)

ME: So how long you been doing this for?

KID: Bout two weeks ‘cause I got kicked outta foster care and I had nowhere to go, so I started selling dope ‘cause I had no money and got caught with it..I went to jail, now I’m‘bout to go to rehab, gonna be a patient soon…just out here trying to make some money.

ME: How old are you?

KID: 20.

ME: how much you make a day doing this?

KID: I usually make about fifteen dollars in a couple of hours…when I sold dope, make four, five, six hundred dollars a day…sometimes 700 depending…like around when everyone got paid…I was in foster care since I was five.  My mama and daddy was drug addicts, like, my dad right now is doing rehab, my mom passed away…he was on heroin.  (there is a horrible smell) I just had to empty piss from a bottle.

ME: I smelled it…I was just glad you weren’t just pissing.

KID:  Oh, no, no,no,no,no….I just emptied it…I got these gloves and stuff.

ME: Well, at least someone pissed in a bottle and not on the street, that’s good manners I guess…I’m worried you’re gonna fall, but I know you know what you’re doing…hey, look at this fork.  We got the craziest shit in our parking lot.

Then the kid left…but I’ll look out for him to do a follow-up.

Just curious, but is a bent fork some sort of drug paraphernalia?  Tell me if you know.